28 February 2006

Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition

For your consideration, some questions I had to answer twice -- once in writing and again during a personal interview -- as part of the application process for Legal Permanent Residence in the US of A -- the so-called Green Card.

I watched as our Immigration officer double-checked the list I had already checked off a few months ago. To her credit, we whizzed right through them. I kind of wish we'd examined each a little more closely, though.

First, Have you ever, in or outside the United States, knowingly committed any crime of moral turpitude or a drug-related offense for which you have not been arrested?

Turpitude. Hmm. Just a second. "Turpitude: n. Depravity. Baseness." I think I can answer no to that one. But it all depends. Seems to me that a lot of legal activities that nevertheless offend the Republican Party faithful might fall into that category. Could you be more specific, please?

Have you ever within the past ten years been a prostitute or procured anyone for prostitution, or intend to engage in such activities in the future?

Not that it's any of your business -- my wife's, maybe, certainly not the Department of Homeland Security's, considering prostitution is legal in lots of states -- but no, not in the past anyway. And I have no intention of doing so in the future, although I suppose I can imagine scenarios ... no, sorry. Never mind.

Have you ever engaged in, conspired to engage in, or do you intend to engage in, or have you ever solicited membership or funds for, or have you through any means ever assisted or provided any type of material support to any person or organization that has ever engaged or conspired to engage in ...

Enough, already! Get to the point, before my work permit expires.

... sabotage, kidnapping, political assassination, hijacking or any other form of terrorist activity?

Fair question. No. Quite definitely not.

Do you intend to engage in espionage?

I won't if you won't.

Have you ever been a member of, or in any way affiliated with, the Communist Party or any other totalitarian party?

Are you serious? What if I was? Can I remind you of a little embarrassing episode in American history called the McCarthy trials? And are you aware of the nomination of George Clooney's "Good Night and Good Luck" for best picture of 2006? Does the ACLU know you're still asking this? As for "any other totalitarian party," good thing I'm not a Republican, eh?

Sorry. Just joking.

Did you, during the period from March 23, 1933 to May 8, 1945, in association with either the Nazi Government of Germany or any organization or government associated or allied with the Nazi Government of Germany, ever order, incite, assist or otherwise participate in the persecution of any person because of race, religion, national origin or political opinion?

Officer Wynn, at the Citizenship and Immigration Services office in Charlotte, skipped over this one, apparently assuming that I'm not a war criminal who stumbled across the Fountain of Youth since skipping out of the Nuremburg scene.

Have you ever engaged in genocide, or otherwise ordered, incited, assisted or otherwise participated in the killing of any person because of race, religion, nationality, ethnic origin or political opinion?

Huh. That's between me and the International Court of Justice. I know you don't recognize that International Court of Justice, but that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Have you ever left the United States to avoid being drafted into the U.S. Armed Forces?

I'm confused. I'm a Canadian citizen trying to get into the United States. In what universe could I have been drafted by the U.S. Armed Forces? What's that? I could be drafted even without becoming a U.S. citizen? Wait a second....

And finally, they saved the best for last:

Do you plan to practice polygamy in the United States?

Why, are you interested in making it a threesome? But no, I'm happy with just the one wife, thank you very much. Besides, I'm applying for residency in North Carolina, not Utah.

Incidentally, I was granted permanent residence status on Feb. 27, 2006. Officer Wynn, who conducted the simultaneous interview with my wife and me, seemed more interested in pictures of my wife's wedding dress rather than any arcane details of my potentially sordid personal political history. She was probably embarrassed the first dozen times she ran through those questions, but appears to be used to it now. Just following orders, I guess.

Also, I won't be eligible to vote for three years. So I'll sit out the 2008 presidential election. Drat. But look out, candidates. Come those mid-term elections in 2010, I'll be all over you.


Anonymous Anonymous said...







8:49 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

看房子,買房子,建商自售,自售,台北新成屋,台北豪宅,新成屋,豪宅,美髮儀器,美髮,儀器,髮型,EMBA,MBA,學位,EMBA,專業認證,認證課程,博士學位,DBA,PHD,在職進修,碩士學位,推廣教育,DBA,進修課程,碩士學位,網路廣告,關鍵字廣告,關鍵字,課程介紹,學分班,文憑,牛樟芝,段木,牛樟菇,日式料理, 台北居酒屋,日本料理,結婚,婚宴場地,推車飲茶,港式點心,尾牙春酒,台北住宿,國內訂房,台北HOTEL,台北婚宴,飯店優惠,台北結婚,場地,住宿,訂房,HOTEL,飯店,造型系列,學位,SEO,婚宴,捷運,學區,美髮,儀器,髮型,看房子,買房子,建商自售,自售,房子,捷運,學區,台北新成屋,台北豪宅,新成屋,豪宅,學位,碩士學位,進修,在職進修, 課程,教育,學位,證照,mba,文憑,學分班,台北住宿,國內訂房,台北HOTEL,台北婚宴,飯店優惠,住宿,訂房,HOTEL,飯店,婚宴,台北住宿,國內訂房,台北HOTEL,台北婚宴,飯店優惠,住宿,訂房,HOTEL,飯店,婚宴,台北住宿,國內訂房,台北HOTEL,台北婚宴,飯店優惠,住宿,訂房,HOTEL,飯店,婚宴,結婚,婚宴場地,推車飲茶,港式點心,尾牙春酒,台北結婚,場地,結婚,場地,推車飲茶,港式點心,尾牙春酒,台北結婚,婚宴場地,結婚,婚宴場地,推車飲茶,港式點心,尾牙春酒,台北結婚,場地,居酒屋,燒烤,美髮,儀器,髮型,美髮,儀器,髮型,美髮,儀器,髮型,美髮,儀器,髮型,小套房,小套房,進修,在職進修,留學,證照,MBA,EMBA,留學,MBA,EMBA,留學,進修,在職進修,牛樟芝,段木,牛樟菇,關鍵字排名,網路行銷,PMP,在職專班,研究所在職專班,碩士在職專班,PMP,證照,在職專班,研究所在職專班,碩士在職專班,SEO,廣告,關鍵字,關鍵字排名,網路行銷,網頁設計,網站設計,網站排名,搜尋引擎,網路廣告,SEO,廣告,關鍵字,關鍵字排名,網路行銷,網頁設計,網站設計,網站排名,搜尋引擎,網路廣告,SEO,廣告,關鍵字,關鍵字排名,網路行銷,網頁設計,網站設計,網站排名,搜尋引擎,網路廣告,SEO,廣告,關鍵字,關鍵字排名,網路行銷,網頁設計,網站設計,網站排名,搜尋引擎,網路廣告,EMBA,MBA,PMP,在職進修,專案管理,出國留學,EMBA,MBA,PMP,在職進修,專案管理,出國留學,EMBA,MBA,PMP,在職進修,專案管理,出國留學,婚宴,婚宴,婚宴,婚宴,漢高資訊,漢高資訊,比利時,比利時聯合商學院,宜蘭民宿,台東民宿,澎湖民宿,墾丁民宿,花蓮民宿,SEO,找工作,汽車旅館,阿里山,日月潭,阿里山民宿,東森購物,momo購物台,pc home購物,購物,手機,手機王,數位像機,衛星導行,GPS,小筆電,機油漢高資訊,漢高資訊,在職進修,漢高資訊,在職進修,住宿,住宿,整形,造型,室內設計,室內設計,漢高資訊,在職進修,漢高資訊,在職進修,住宿,美容,室內設計,在職進修,羅志祥,周杰倫,五月天,住宿,住宿,整形,整形,室內設計,室內設計,比利時聯合商學院,在職進修,比利時聯合商學院,在職進修,漢高資訊,找工作,找工作,找工作,找工作,找工作,蔡依林,林志玲

3:56 AM  

Post a Comment

Links to this post:

Create a Link

<< Home